Have you ever noticed how many sitcoms have that one character who’s clearly mentally retarded? No, I’m not talking about Corky from “Life Goes On” (he was actually much smarter than any of the characters on this list). I’m talking about characters who aren’t retarded…but act like they are (cuz it’s not cool to laugh at actually retarded people…just make believe ones). I’m not sure exactly when this whole thing began (Ed from “Honeymooners” maybe?), but it has to be stopped. It is easily the most annoying of all sitcom staples. The thing that bothers me the most is that the sole purpose of these characters is to be as dumb as humanly possible. They have no personalities whatsoever. For some reason sitcom writers think that being stupid is a personality trait (it’s not!)
Alright, enough with the venting. Here are my top ten:
10. Eric Matthews from “Boy Meets World”
Although Eric is arguably the dumbest character here, the reason he is so low on the list is because he actually started off semi-intelligent when the show began. As you continue down this list you will notice that this is sadly a fairly common trend. Most of these characters got dumber as the years went on…some more than others. Eric is the worst example of this. He started off as a cocky high school kid who liked the women and quickly became so stupid that he was eating bugs off the floor in a bathrobe by the end of the series.
9. Boner from “Growing Pains”
Kirk Cameron’s retarded best friend. His name alone gets him on this list. How the Seavers were able to get away with saying the word “boner” every few minutes is beyond me. The FCC should be ashamed of themselves. After Boner left the show they needed another retarded character to come in and fill the void. Enter Stinky, Ben’s equally stupid best friend. Easy money.
8. Kenneth Parcell from “30 Rock”
Dear God do I hate “30 Rock.” I don’t understand why people are shitting themselves over this program. Is it that it’s been so long since “Seinfeld” went off the air that we’ve all forgotten what a funny sitcom actually is? Are we so desperate for the next big thing that we all just got excited and jumped the bandwagon on this turdpile? Yes. That’s exactly what happened. This is my biggest problem with the show (and I don’t know if this will make any sense) but I feel that instead of trying to write jokes that are funny, they’re writing jokes that they think we’ll think are funny. I don’t like being told when I’m supposed to laugh, OK? They just try too hard at making their stupid little characters unusually quirky. By FAR, the worst part of this show is this little shitstain named Kenneth…I just wanna squish his face in like a raisin!
7. Rose Nylund from “Golden Girls”
Aaah Rose. Lovely, lovely Rose. Rumor has it that Betty White was originally supposed to play the part of the slut (Blanche), but decided she wanted a challenge and handpicked the role of the retarded old lady from St. Olaf. Gotta give her some props for that. Most actors steer clear from playing the retarded friend in fear of having their careers be typecast (e.g. Kelso in “Dude Where’s My Car?”) Betty White now spends her time playing the senile grandmother in romantic comedies.
6. Joey Tribbiani
The most annoying character from “Friends” (which is an amazing feat in its own right). Joey, like Eric from “Boy Meets World,” got dumber as the series progressed…although to be fair he was never really that intelligent to begin with. Joey also represented the trend of having the retarded sitcom character be a huge slut. This comes from the basic logic that most sluts are attractive and most attractive people are dumb. Pretty obvious. It should be noted that Joey is the only retarded character I can think of that actually got his own spin off. Of course the writers on “Joey” made the character slightly less retarded (a major disappointment to the “Friends” fanbase) and as a result the program went off the air in a measly 2 seasons of awfulness.
5. Cody Lambert from “Step by Step”
Look, when you have a show with 7 (8?) kids in it, one of them is gonna be retarded. According to Wikipedia: “he had a few catchphrases, such as ‘Dude!’; ‘Dude-sy!’; and ‘Ch-yeah!’” Wow. I guess sometime in the early 90’s the word “dude” became synonymous with being a moron. When the show began Cody was the big brother-like character for the rest of the kids, but as the show progressed (and those kids got older) his role became more and more useless. His character became awkward to watch once you realized he was a 40 year old man living in a van in their driveway for the past 7 years. Little known fact about our man Cody, he inherited the Kickboxer franchise from Jean-Claude Van Damme and starred as his kid brother for the next 3 installments…until he was killed off in “Kickboxer 5: Redemption.”
4. Kimmy Gibbler
Kimmy started off as D.J.’s annoying friend who copied her homework and spread rumors around the middle school that she was a big slut. Basically…she was a bitch, but as the show entered it’s 15th (16th?) season she just became another retard. My favorite was her retarded boyfriend, Duane, who’s catchphrase (and only source of dialogue ever) was the word, “whatever.” I actually think a Kimmy Gibbler spin off could be entertaining to watch…if she spent every episode dropping acid and going on adventures with one of the Full House cast members (a different cast member would guest star every episode).
3. Woody Boyd from “Cheers”
Coach was actually the original retarded “Cheers” character for the show’s first 3 seasons. When Coach passed away they decided to fill the retarded void with Woody…and thus history was made. Whether Woody was an improvement over Coach is a tough call, since they were essentially the exact same character. I’d have to give Woody the edge though just because Woody Harrelson is the man. Also, I like the fact that his name is Woody in both real life and on the show….no real reason why.
2. Kelly Bundy from “Married With Children”
The stereotypical dumb blonde is the most commonly seen of all retarded characters…and none are dumber than Kelly. She was the hot, stupid sister of which there is no shortage in the world of sitcoms. A bunch almost made it onto this list (Nikki Cox from “Unhappily Ever After,” Hilary from “Fresh Prince” etc.) until I realized that they were all just knock offs of Ms. Bundy. Christina Applegate has had some mild success playing non-retarded characters since Kelly…but not really (although “Don’t Tell Mom The Babysitter’s Dead” is a personal favorite). Did anyone else ever want to see Kelly and Bud get together?…No??…….moving along.
1. Waldo Geraldo Faldo from “Family Matters”
The single most retarded character in television sitcom history! Want proof? All 3 of his names rhyme!! I know a lot of people would like to have seen Urkel on this list, but I’m sorry…Waldo trumps him. Also, there’s the whole problem with Urkel actually being a mega-genius who invented cloning (same logic goes for Screech from “Saved By The Bell”). Waldo was Eddie’s idiot best friend who’s entire vocabulary consisted of the words, “sup” and “cool.” That was about it. The man was like a human tree. After a couple of years on the show they decided to make him an amazing chef, so as not to have him be completely useless…didn’t really help much though.
Well, that’s my list. Let the debates begin!!
How could Bull not make the cut? or Horshack? or Balki??!! Dear GOD how could I have forgotten BALKI!!!???*
–Dov
*Balki’s foreign not retarded
